Tips for Talking to your Friends about Anxiety/OCD

The decision to talk to your friends about what you are going through with your anxiety/OCD is always completely up to you, and there is no "one size fits all" answer. It doesn't make you a bad friend if you choose not to share every part of your life!

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) recommends that a good time to talk to others about your mental health is "when you are well, when it serves a purpose, and/or when you’re ready." When making the decision of whether or not to disclose your OCD/anxiety to friends, there are several questions that you can reflect on:

Do you feel like you could benefit from support and encouragement from your friends?
Do your symptoms cause problems with you socially (e.g., avoidance of certain activities, tardiness when making plans), such that it may be beneficial to clue your friends into the truth about the real reasons for your difficulties?
Do you genuinely think it would be helpful for you to share your anxiety/OCD, or are you being pressured into sharing your illness?
Are there reasons not to share your anxiety/OCD, such as concerns that you will be labeled or discriminated against?
Are there cultural or religious factors to consider, such as whether there is more or less stigma of mental illness in your community?

If you are unsure whether or not to share about your anxiety/OCD with others, consider making a list of pros and cons. You can then reflect on this list to determine if the benefits of sharing outweigh the potential risks of doing so.

If you do decide to talk to your friends about your anxiety/OCD, below are some tips to help you with that conversation.

Decide who to tell.

You likely have different types of friends, and some friends may be more or less appropriate choices with whom to share about your anxiety/OCD. Some friends are those you socialize with, who make you laugh, and who are fun to be around. Other friends are those who you can be serious with and who you feel a real connection to; these are the best people to tell about your anxiety/OCD.

If you are considering sharing with friends, it is recommended that you start with a close friend with whom you feel safe and secure, as it can be helpful to practice the conversation with someone who makes you feel comfortable.

Decide what to share.

You can either share information about anxiety/OCD in general with your friends, or get specific and share exactly what your anxiety/OCD is about (e.g., your specific intrusive thoughts or worries, specific rituals). It is often easier to share general information about OCD/anxiety first, rather than sharing your specific content, so speaking generally can be a great way to start.

You also don’t have to share everything, as there may be aspects of your OCD/anxiety that feel more personal than others. If a friend asks questions, you can simply respond by letting them know that you are not comfortable discussing more specific details.

With anything you do share, it is recommended to share information gradually, as then you can use how they react to help guide how much more you are comfortable sharing with them. Whatever you choose to share, though, emphasize that you are going through something really hard — that is what a real friend will care about!

Be prepared for different responses.

Ideally, a friend will respond positively and with words of support. If they do respond positively, let them know that you appreciate their positive response and support.

You may also receive a neutral response (e.g., a friend hearing you out, but then jumping to another random topic). A neutral response may mean that the friend does not think of you differently because of your anxiety/OCD - to them, you're the same exact person. In this way, a neutral response may just mean that your friend accepts you for who you are, which can be very comforting to know. A neutral response can also mean that they do not understand the severity of the situation, and might need to have more conversations with you to better understand.

If you receive a negative or an unsupportive response (e.g., a friend who makes fun of you), it may be reasonable for you to consider whether this person is really someone you want around you.

Your friends may also not understand anxiety/OCD. You don't need your friends to be anxiety/OCD experts, just a source or support. If you simply communicate that you are dealing with something really hard, it is likely that your friends will be able to understand on some level, and hopefully, they will be supportive.

Let your friends know what you want them to do with any information you share with them.

If you share such personal information with friends, many friends will naturally want to help in some way, so it is useful to give them some guidance on why you are telling them, and what they can do to help.

Do you want them to support you if you are struggling?
Do you want your friends to point it out if they think you are being bossed around by your anxiety/OCD?
Do you want them to help distract you (for example, by encouraging a fun activity) if they think you are anxious?
Do you want their input or advice, or do you simply just want them to listen?

Consider what you are needing and/or wanting from your friends, and share that with them so they know how to best help you. Explain to them what you do and do not want them to do, since they may have good intentions to help, but you do not want nor need them to be your therapist.

Additionally, if you want your friends to keep things between you and them, make sure that is clear to them, so that they don’t go and share your personal information with others.

Be thoughtful about how you reference your anxiety/OCD.

For some, use of self-deprecating humor may help lighten the mood when discussing a serious mental health disorder. However, if you are self-deprecating or refer to yourself as a “weirdo,” it might make your friends think it is okay to do the same.

Consider such things when discussing your anxiety/OCD with friends, as your friends may look to you as a model for what is okay and not okay to say.

Consider resources that may be helpful if you decide to share.

If you have chosen to disclose your anxiety/OCD to friends, there are many resources that you could use to help your friends better understand what you are going through. For instance, you could invite them over to watch a documentary or YouTube videos about anxiety/OCD, such as UNSTUCK: An OCD Kids Movie or Angst.

You could direct them to learn more about anxiety/OCD by checking out the resources on the websites of the International OCD Foundation and/or the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. You could also attend an event on anxiety/OCD awareness and ask them to join you.

To share or not to share… on social media?

Some people have made the choice to share their struggles publicly on social media. There are pros and cons to this!

Pros

For some individuals, it can be therapeutic to share one's story publicly. It may also allow the opportunity to connect with others who may have similar experiences. Further, the courage you show in sharing your struggles may serve as an inspiration to others, and may even motivate other affected individuals to seek out help.

Cons

It is also important to consider potential negative outcomes. Sharing information about your anxiety/OCD on social media removes your ability to pick and choose who learns such intimate details about you, which increases the chance of negative reactions. Also, any information you post online will be there indefinitely, so it is important to consider whether you’d want your comments/posts to follow you around forever. Although you may be motivated to share such information when you are young, you may feel differently when you are older, such as when you are applying to jobs. Be thoughtful about sharing any personal information online for these reasons.

Given that there may be pros and cons, before sharing on social media, we recommend engaging in self-reflection about why you want to share such personal information in this way, and whether you feel capable of handling any reactions you may receive. Let's face it — you likely have enough going on in your head already due to your anxiety/OCD; you don't need more noise! If you are hoping to connect with others and give back to the anxiety/OCD community, there may be other methods to achieve these aims, while minimizing the chance of receiving negativity in response to any social media posts. Accordingly, decisions about sharing publicly on social media should be made thoughtfully, and not impulsively. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it can't be put back in!